Instead of Gray

Embracing my age, gray hair, and a new medical diagnosis

Thanks to my co-worker, Rhonda, who captured this photo of me. She thought it was cute because my dress and my hair matched.

In June, I decided to let my hair go gray.

It was one decision along a journey to stop being worried about what others think of me. One would think this would cause me more anxiety—well, it did, at first—but I needed to do something to gain some freedom from the thoughts that kept harassing me. I had started overthinking A LOT of the decisions I was making, because I was too concerned what others thought of me.

I had been thinking about letting my hair go gray for a while—or as my dad says, stop being “chemically dependent.”¹ After spending time with my step-sister in June—admiring her beautiful gray hair and the way she had stopped caring about what others thought and what society says beauty is—I embraced my age and my gray hair.

I’m not going to lie, the first few weeks were HARD, but finally I got used to looking at myself in the mirror—seeing those many gray hairs blaring at me beside those dark curls.

I knew freedom had come the day someone told me I shouldn’t be letting my hair go gray. I’d look old, they said. That day I walked with my head held a little higher. My hair didn’t define me! Believing Jesus accepted me—He loves me, gray hair and all.

Little did I know six months after I started this gray-hair journey,

I would be googling hats, wigs, and bald head. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on November 27th.

I thank God that He was preparing me even when I didn’t realize it. A gift of sorts.

Since the initial diagnosis, I’ve had a couple more tests, a chemo port surgery, and now I’m awaiting my next follow-up appointment with my medical and surgical oncologists. The plan as of now is: chemo, surgery, and then more chemo… followed by meds (hormone suppressants, of sorts) for the next 5-10 years, since my cancer is triple positive (estrogen, progestrone, and protein).

I’m really sad at the thought of not getting to look in the mirror and see my hair grown out—no more artificial color, just lots of gray with my natural dark hair sprinkled in.

But just like in June, I will eventually get used to no hair and be able to hold my head high again. My hair still won’t define me! My hair isn’t who I am.

I am Rachel—Ewe, Lamb...

but more about that later.² (:

The thing I pray you take away from this first post is:

Jesus accepts you.

Love yourself.

Be grateful for the body and the life God has given you.

I have reached out to a friend who is a stylist.

(I had to find someone since I have been cutting my own hair for a very long time. Little fact about me—I have my cosmetology and barber license.) Soon, she is going to cut my hair short so I can at least enjoy my gray, for a bit.

Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.

Proverbs 16:31

Probably by the end of January, I’ll be rocking a cute hat, instead of the gray.

1. If you like getting your hair colored—have at it! No judgment from me. I just dreaded coloring my hair every three weeks and came to realize I was doing it because I was worried about what others thought of me.

2. At The Lamb’s Quarter, I plan to post updates about my cancer journey, yes, but also reflect on the things God is teaching me through this process. I look forward to learning and growing with you here in the weeks, and maybe even years, to come.