The Real Me

A Case for Vulnerability As Freedom

Vulnerability — a quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally

After I first shaved my head, and then had to go out in public with my new hats and headbands, it was HARD. I wanted to hide. I felt exposed. Like you would feel if you had been victim of a “jerk down” in middle school—jerk down, jerk up, look down to the ground, do not make eye contact, walk away from the laughing group. That may seem like a dramatic analogy, but this is how I felt.

But contrary to a jerk down, which only lasts a few seconds—

This is my new life.

I couldn’t reattach hair and move along. I carried this new life around with me everywhere. Over time it has gotten easier, but now: a new obstacle. (More on that in a minute)

My hair is slowly growing back—and not evenly—there are still patchy spots. Just the way a baby’s hair grows, someone reminded me the other day.

It’s funny how babies aren’t worried about the opinions of others about trivial things, such as hair growth.

I guess this might be one of the many reasons the Bible tells us to be like little children.

We spend so much time and mental energy worrying about what others think. Which takes me back to one of my first posts about letting my hair go gray instead of coloring it. I guess I haven’t fully found freedom in being myself and not worrying about what others think.

Okay, so back to my newest obstacle.

It’s HOT! June here in Ohio was been unseasonably HOT, and July is turning out to be more of the same! Add the type of hats I’ve been wearing and it feels even hotter.

Taking my hat off to find some relief—this takes the feeling of exposure to a whole new level.

I have two choices:

1. Keep the hat on and pass out from heat stroke—which maybe a bit dramatic. :)

2. Take the hat off and expose myself to emotional attack and harm.

Sometimes I choose Option One, but sometimes I choose Option Two. As the hot and humid days of summer have continued, I have found the courage to choose Option Two more often.

After this hot walk with my friend, Alana, I definitely I needed to ditch the hat!

There is something that helps my bravery —COMMUNITY

Words of encouragement from my family, and seeing pictures of others who are walking this journey bravely, choosing to show up without covering up.

This past Friday, I walked into my radiation oncology appointment without my hat. Stand tall. Make eye contact with people. Smile. Be brave, I tell myself. The sweetest people in the waiting room make eye contact, they smile, they begin to tell their stories. They applaud me being brave enough to show up without my head covered. Those people don’t know how much their kind words were the gift I needed.

I walked into work after my appoint with my head exposed, and I haven’t covered up since.

Vulnerability — the first steps are always the hardest. It does get easier, the more we practice it.

When I began to let my hair go gray, walking into a room with my gray roots showing was so HARD, but over time, the freedom that came with showing up as the real me was so worth it.

It’s the same with my hats that covered my almost bald head.

I am confident I will eventually feel the same without a hat. I choose it; covering up my head is more uncomfortable because of the heat than the feeling of being exposed.

After a talk with a friend the other day—a conversation in which she was vulnerable, exposing some hurt she was feeling—she said, “I feel so much better after talking to you.”

Vulnerability brings flourishing.

I know this statement isn’t always true. Some of us have been vulnerable and it’s brought emotional or physical harm. We isolate, put up walls, close ourselves off. To this I would say—try again.

We long to be seen. We long to be known.

Two Things to Remember:

1. God will never leave you nor let you down. Expose yourself to him.

2. People will let you down. We are human; we aren’t perfect. Expose yourself anyway.

I hope this blog gives you the courage to do the brave thing that allows you to be seen and to be known. I pray you would feel God’s arms hold you tight and you would find people who will listen. I pray we will be the type of people who hold others and lean in and listen.

Allow your presence to be the gift someone else needs.

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Health update:

I just finished my second round of “maintenance chemo.”

Because my cancer is hormone positive, my body needs to stop producing estrogen and progesterone. I received my first shot to shut down my ovaries, which will continue to receive every four weeks. And after radiation, I will start a pill that I will take for the next five years for a similar purpose.

Starting July 15th, I will begin radiation—Monday through Friday for 16 treatments.

I do still tire easy. The past few weeks, the muscles in my legs have been sore and weak. But overall I’m feeling well.

Thanks again for all your prayers! God is good!